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Grand Cayman Jan 2009

 

Our first cruise.  This was an absolutely fabulous day.  One of the best.

 http://static.photobucket.com/player.swf?file=http://vid10.photobucket.com/albums/a149/zendall/JohnontheCatamaran.flv

Overcoming it all

Well this past weekend I snuck in and out of Ottawa.  I can’t believe that I lived there.  I spent over 30 years there and when I went back I couldn’t believe the negativity.  It was everywhere and just about on everyone.  I am so glad to be home.  I have to connection to the city, only the memories.  It is just another city in the world that I know how to get around in. 

 

I have learned that I am not the same person I was.  I am so far removed from Ottawa and how that part of the world works.  I have faced those demons and I have moved on.  I am thankful there are still quiet calm places in the world.

Are you Down?

 

My Favorite Song right now.  It has been quite sometime since my last post.  I added some photo’s last night and decided to leave a quick note for anyone still visiting this site. 

 

Alot has happened in the last while and life is good.  Things can only go up from here.  We have moved into our new house and are still attempting to get settled.

Now that the pool is closed for the season it will leave alot of time to do just that.  In the upcoming month we will be getting married.  The countdown is on and we are both very excited to finally be a married couple.  I will try to keep everyone updated as time goes on.

Thank you for visiting

John

 

Talking about YouTube – Coldplay – Viva La Vida

 

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Talking about YouTube – Coldplay – Viva La Vida
 

Good Friends are Rare

During my life I have had few what I would call "Good Friends".  I have had alot of aquaintances.  I can count the number of really Good Friends that I have on my hands.

 

They say that if you can make it through your life with 5 Good Friends you are a loved person.  To me a Good Friend is a person that Gets you. That without communication is happy in your prescence.  There is something to be said about familiarity in silence. 

 

I look back over my life in reflection alot.  I know that I have good friends old and new… Each of them have a very monumental part of my heart and will always be wrapped around my soul.  Some of them may have drifted for reasons beyond control.  However, like any good friend they find their way back again.  Everything has a time and a place they say.  I truely believe this.  I believe that when you really need them they have a way of knowing.  This is to be said for the friends that you haven’t met yet.  The love found in friendship is a very complex and yet simplistic thing. 

 

When you are wrapped in it you know it.  When you have had it you know it…. and when you find it well you know it.  I realize now that I would not be whom I am without each of my good friends.  Some have stood in the shadows and been my friend in silence throughout some of the most troubling times of my life.  Some were good friends to me just in prescence and others well they are the out front screaming they are my friend type.

 

It is not often that you have someone thank you for being their friend.  I hear it alot actually from one of my friends.  So I am going to say it to my friends. 

 

Susan – You have me known me the longest – from another time and another place.  Almost feels like another life at times.  I just want you to know that your friendship has always been in my heart… I never forgot you, our friendship, nor did I ever stop thinking of you, looking for you and hoping that we would find each other again.  Thank to a power beyond our control here we are again.  Thank you dear Susan for understanding ME… when I couldn’t understand myself. 

 

Linda – My dear dear dear Linda…  My best friend in silence.  I love you Linda… without you I don’t know how I would have survived Ottawa.  There are angels on earth they say.  I know you are one of mine.  I love you like a sibling and there is no way I could write this blog without thanking you for your dedication, compassion, love and understanding.  You pushed me to make hard choices and because of that I will forever love you…..

 

Ken & Kim – Goes without saying that you have brought me a new found freedom in my heart… I laugh, feel safe and enjoy myself.  HMMMM Enough said.  You know how I feel about you two.  I tell you as much as you will hear it.  Thank you for loving me like part of the family.

 

I guess it goes without saying that I have to say something about the person that I was lead to.  The person that made me a different person.  There are alot of people that had a hand in my finding Kari.  Alot of people that pushed me in silence to be the person I knew I could be with Kari’s love.

 

Kari – You are my princess, don’t you forget that love.  You have my heart on a string.  I have never felt so safe and loved.

 

It doesn’t come easily to me to write like this.  It is actually a very hard thing for me.  I saved this in draft and wrote and stopped and wrote again.  I still have reservations about publishing it. 

As Life Flies By

I’ve had a little writters block as of late.  Life just seems to be stuck in a holding pattern in some ways and flying by me in others.

 

It is funny how there can be different facets of a persons life.  I have been living 2 lives really.  The old life that has me in a grip hold and won’t let go and my new life that is so fabulous.  It is hard to believe that I even had another life.  However, the rude reminders of that time snake back into my world uninvited.

 

I often wonder what my life would have been like if I could sponge out the obvious and just have had the happiness I have now. The freedom to be the person I always have been and was never allowed to be. 

 

I can’t tell you how liberating it is to realize that I, John have the right to be happy, fullfilled and at peace.  I have wonderful relationships in my life both romantically and non.   I thank the stars everyday bringing Kari and all of our friends into my life.  Without the love and support of all of them I am sure the outcome wouldn’t have been so promising.

 

I smile & laugh everyday.  That is a new facial expression.  I love being home, I love my time with kari, our friends and by myself.  It is a tremendous mix.  One that is unbelievable at times.  I have the freedom I have always wanted.  The ability to just be ME.

 

I look forward to the day when I can scrap the remainder of the past off my shoe like a rotten piece of gum.  Until that day I will just continue to be happy.  NO matter what that can’t be taken from me.  Oh believe me there are those that will try, make it their goal to just try and punish me for what, I am still unsure.  But good luck to you, I am in a different place and out of your reach…… why not try finding a little bit of happiness yourself and move on…..

 

J

Serenity by the Sea

Lately I have had so much going on in my head that it has been overwhelming.  Clarity of one thought comes and goes.  However, in all of the disturbed thought processes, there is serenity.  One would wonder how that is feasible.  To find serenity in an overwhelming thought process. 

 

I look at where my life has been, where I am today and what it is in my head that is overwhelming me.  It isn’t the present life that I lead that has me unfocused.  It is the past life refusing to let go of me.  That is correct, it isn’t me holding on for dear life.  It is parts of my past that refuse to take me out of the choke hold and let me go.

 

It is funny how a persons happiness can scare someone.  How my will to carry on with my life, my sense of home, happiness and love, have set others in to a frenzy.  The very fact that my happiness is reason to blame me, pursue chaos and turn what could be peace into war.  Sometimes when you are treated like crap, the person who does it doesn’t realize how much they lived off it.  How much they enjoyed the chaos, the hurt and the unrest.  They don’t realize it until it isn’t there anymore.  So they find other ways to cause those same feelings in you….

 

I still find it hard to talk about, feel and remember.  I guess I am somewhat ashamed that I let my moral compass allow someone to control my outcome.  That I allowed someone to shape me into something I should have never been.  Guilt is a huge factor in anyones control over you.  I have been carrying a truck load of guilt for too long and now that I see things clearly without ridicule, it occured to me that the overwhelming feeling I am having is the thought that I have let and was still letting someone consume my spirituality.

 

I am a good man, a loving man and a caring man….. I know if I wasn’t there is no way I would be so damned lucky as to have kari in my life.  Having the life I have presently has made me realize just how little of a life I have had.

 

I find the peace in my heart here in NS on the ocean.  I have the clarity and serenity I have always wanted in being here.  It is a long road back from the narrows of hell.  But for once in my life I can see the sun shining, hear the birds chirping and see the beautiful tree’d road out of here on the horizon.

 

I hope that all of you will continue to pursue your dreams, fight to overcome your demons and always remember that there is always a way out.  It may be the hardest thing you have ever done and seem to be overwhelming and terrifying.  But as I have found out along the way.  You never regret your decision, as it was YOUR decision, YOUR choice and that is what life is all about.

 

John

Not Along in the Dark

Not Alone In The Dark
Looking At What We Don’t Want To See

It is one of life’s great paradoxes that the things we don’t want to look at in ourselves are the very things we need to look at in order to know ourselves better and to become more fully who we are. The feelings that make us want to run away are buried treasure full of energy and inspiration if we are willing to look. These feelings come in many forms, from strange images or snippets of information to recurring dreams and feelings that rise up seemingly without a reason. Whatever shape they come in, and no matter how scary they seem, these messengers bring the information we need in order to grow.

When we are tired of pushing something down, or trying to run away from it, a good first step is to write down what we think we are avoiding. Often this turns out to be only the surface of the issue or a symbol of something else. Expressing ourselves fully on paper is a safe way to begin exploring the murky territory of the unconscious. The coolness of the intellect can give us the distance we need to read what we have written and feel less afraid of it. It helps if we remember that no matter how dark or negative our thoughts or feelings may be, these are energies shared by all humanity. We are not alone in the dark, and all the gurus and teachers we admire had to go through their own unprocessed emotional territory in order to come out the other side brighter and wiser. This can give us the courage we need to open the treasure chest of what we have been avoiding.

Within the parts of ourselves that we don’t want to look at, there are emotions that need to be felt. Unfelt emotions are stuck energy, and when we leave emotions unprocessed, we deprive ourselves of access to that energy. When we feel strong enough, we can begin the process of feeling those emotions, on our own or with guidance from a spiritual counselor. It is through this work that the buried treasure of energy and inspiration will pour forth from our hearts, giving us the courage to look at all the parts of ourselves with insight and compassion

For more information visit dailyom.com

Disapproving Faces

It is not necessarily a pleasant experience, but there will be times in our lives when we come across people who do not like us. As we know, like attracts like, so usually when they don’t like us it is because they are not like us. Rather than taking it personally, we can let them be who they are, accepting that each of us is allowed to have different perspectives and opinions. When we give others that freedom, we claim it for ourselves as well, releasing ourselves from the need for their approval so we can devote our energy toward more rewarding pursuits.

While approval from others is a nice feeling, when we come to depend on it we may lose our way on our own path. There are those who will not like us no matter what we do, but that doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with us. Each of us has our own filters built from our experiences over time. They may see in us something that is merely a projection of their understanding, but we have no control over the interpretations of others. The best we can do is to hope that the role we play in the script of their lives is helpful to them, and follow our own inner guidance with integrity.

As we reap the benefits of walking our perfect paths, we grow to appreciate the feeling of fully being ourselves. The need to have everyone like us will be replaced by the exhilaration of discovering that we are attracting like-minded individuals into our lives—people who like us because they understand and appreciate the truth of who we are. We free ourselves from trying to twist into shapes that will fit the spaces provided by others’ limited understanding and gain a new sense of freedom, allowing us to expand into becoming exactly who we’re meant to be. And in doing what we know to be right for us, we show others that they can do it too. Cocreating our lives with the universe and its energy of pure potential, we transcend limitations and empower ourselves to shine our unique light, fully and freely.

Reprinted from dailyom.com