Serenity by the Sea

Lately I have had so much going on in my head that it has been overwhelming.  Clarity of one thought comes and goes.  However, in all of the disturbed thought processes, there is serenity.  One would wonder how that is feasible.  To find serenity in an overwhelming thought process. 

 

I look at where my life has been, where I am today and what it is in my head that is overwhelming me.  It isn’t the present life that I lead that has me unfocused.  It is the past life refusing to let go of me.  That is correct, it isn’t me holding on for dear life.  It is parts of my past that refuse to take me out of the choke hold and let me go.

 

It is funny how a persons happiness can scare someone.  How my will to carry on with my life, my sense of home, happiness and love, have set others in to a frenzy.  The very fact that my happiness is reason to blame me, pursue chaos and turn what could be peace into war.  Sometimes when you are treated like crap, the person who does it doesn’t realize how much they lived off it.  How much they enjoyed the chaos, the hurt and the unrest.  They don’t realize it until it isn’t there anymore.  So they find other ways to cause those same feelings in you….

 

I still find it hard to talk about, feel and remember.  I guess I am somewhat ashamed that I let my moral compass allow someone to control my outcome.  That I allowed someone to shape me into something I should have never been.  Guilt is a huge factor in anyones control over you.  I have been carrying a truck load of guilt for too long and now that I see things clearly without ridicule, it occured to me that the overwhelming feeling I am having is the thought that I have let and was still letting someone consume my spirituality.

 

I am a good man, a loving man and a caring man….. I know if I wasn’t there is no way I would be so damned lucky as to have kari in my life.  Having the life I have presently has made me realize just how little of a life I have had.

 

I find the peace in my heart here in NS on the ocean.  I have the clarity and serenity I have always wanted in being here.  It is a long road back from the narrows of hell.  But for once in my life I can see the sun shining, hear the birds chirping and see the beautiful tree’d road out of here on the horizon.

 

I hope that all of you will continue to pursue your dreams, fight to overcome your demons and always remember that there is always a way out.  It may be the hardest thing you have ever done and seem to be overwhelming and terrifying.  But as I have found out along the way.  You never regret your decision, as it was YOUR decision, YOUR choice and that is what life is all about.

 

John